Breathe out...

you make me want to throw up.

TURD :B




Jessie is a happy Jesse. Err... Jessie.

(if somebody who did not know me were to look at my lj, they would believe me to be bi-polar)

this is my last resort

Seriously, though, when there's no one around to listen, I resort to this because it's the ONLY way I can get shit out.

My main three people that I go to when I have issues are as follows:
- an English/Journalism teacher(busy preparing her Thanksgiving and I'm always scared of wearing her out and draining her of willingness to help me)
- a boy that has plenty of problems himself, yet is always willing to listen to mine (I called, but he's settling a problem of his own so I told him to disregard mine)
- a boy who has been there for me the past three years through thick and thin (usually at the center of 60% of my problems...)

Now I'm here. and now I'm going to rant.
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On Monday, I told myself I would specifically ask Jenkins to NOT call me about anything Journalism related. I wanted four days completely free of anything newspaper related. After last hour today (AP Lit with Jenkins) I stuck around the class for a bit, waiting for Avalon. After a minute or two I thought to myself 'I need to leave before she tries to talk to me about newspaper,' so I quietly started heading towards the door. Then I heard "Jessica, don't leave me yet." I turned around and walked to her.
She asked me:
"Are we doing something with the paper this week or are we just saying 'fuck it' ?"
fuck it fuck it fuck it "ummm, what do you think?"
"We should probably layout articles"
we? That's Kelsey's job... not mine. I am not the layout editor. And 'we' usually means 'me' "Okay..."
"Do you want to do it.... or .... do you want me to do it?"
I want nothing to do with this fucking newspaper this weekend. "Ummm..."
"Can you take the laptop? It'll take you like, half an hour to do it."
wow, fucking fantastic. "Sure."

I wanted to cry at that moment.
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I just find it ridiculous how one person can make me feel so happy one moment, yet so unwanted and thrashed the next. Simple gestures like rubbing my back when I'm bent over in pain from coughing and fatigue make my heart melt, yet, small things I notice, like constant texting and at certain times trying to hide the fact that you're texting make me feel so unimportant. I regret giving you that Blackberry,
I worry when I'm driving home, tired as hell, and I think of you and it makes me want to drive into a brick wall. I'm pretty sure that's not how it should be.
Insecurities are driving me crazy: texting her, getting feely with one of my friends that you just met (slight exaggeration), and the fact that I know Brian's twitter sign in really doesn't help ease my mind at the least.

The words 'break up' popped into my head twice as I walked from the house to my car. I didn't let them linger there very long, however, the fact that actions and events lead to that thought popping into my head makes me a bit uneasy.
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I felt extremely inferior to everybody today. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anybody and like everybody was much for qualified for being me than I am. That's how bad things got.
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I walked into my house, hearing my dad finishing a sentence saying "bitch" at the end. He saw me come through the door and said to my mom, 'oh, she probably heard us talking about her." Thanks, dad.
My mom came into my room, saying that my father didn't want me to leave my laptop on during the day, which is something I rarely do. I told her that I rarely do that, and it only happened because I was up until 4 a.m. working on a research paper. She replied saying "that's not healthy" and proceeded to interrogate me about things I simply did not want/need to talk about.
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I just cut my foot on something attached to a power strip. Real great.
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What next? Maybe I'll have sleep paralysis or some shit.

Fuck Thanksgiving and all that happy shit.
My head's a mess... probably because I'm still running on two hours of sleep.

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"shame on me, wanting you."

considering deleting every network site I have due to insecurities. How sad.
I'm congested, probably because allergies, and my body probably hates me right now because sleep has not been coming in proper intervals and because I've been eating horrible. I've been drinking and smoking.(dinner = two bowls of rice crispies with milk and sugar)
I have a shit ton of homework, which I SHOULD be working on now, but I'm too distracted/bothered.
The paper goes to print Sunday. Center spread is in colour. Half of the articles are not in.
For the past how many weeks, I have not been able to just CHILL and not worry about being behind in school or not think about what assignments need to be done or what articles aren't in or who needs to be babysat/picked up from school. Stress is consuming me, soon, it'll be all I know.

I'm dying young... I can feel it.

I'm not seeing a shrink,
I'm not doing this again.
I'm not another student or a mother to take your shit out on,
So let's see what you got,
let's see what you're not
And what ever else you pretend
You've defended my intentions long enough

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.

This is definitely going to start off angsty.
I'm starting off by saying I don't LIKE things just because they're POPULAR or because 'everyone else is doing it'. When I like something, it's because I genuinely find interest in it and ENJOY it and because it APPEALS to me.
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I'm pretty much talking about my interest in Twilight. Pretty much ALL of my friends give me, or have given me, shit for liking it. I don't fucking appreciate that. It's not something that I am constantly talking about or forcing people to watch/read. If someone doesn't like it, fine, that's great, but they don't have to go and totally shit on something I'm fond of, it's not like I'm insulting someone and they have to retaliate. I'm mentioning something I like. That. is. it.

/sigh

Now that that's out... I have a feeling I'll be on LJ a lot more often due to school stresses and things like that.
For now, my only issues are:
1 - Graphing Calculator
2 - Relationship
3 - Birth Control side-effects
4 - Lack of money
5 - BUG BITE ON MY LEG, OH DEAR JESUS, PLEASE STOP ITCHING

in depth:
1 - Graphing Calculator (50% solved)
I pretty much lost the one that my brother and I have shared for the past like, 5 years, so I have to find one to replace it for him to use and I have to find one for me to use. Roxanne (bless her heart) is willing to lend me hers for the entire school year, which I plan on loaning to my brother since he's assloads more responsible with his shit than I am. And the school library loans then out, so I'm probably going to have to jump on that ASAP for Statistics. Hopefully my brother's math class is only like, a semester long so I can return one of said calculators soon.

2 - Relationship
I'm just a little uncomfortable at the moment. It's bound to subside soon, however, for the moment I'm a little disgusted. Just insensitivity and inabilities to just shut up. It kind of relates back to the Twilight thing. Sure, you're sensitive in a "let's watch the sunset" way, but not so much in a "Oh, you're upset? Here, I'll comfort you and make sure to watch what I say" way. At least not from what I saw less than an hour ago. Those insecurities are never leaving me. In fact, they're probably going to become stronger in the next few months.

3 - Birth Control side-effects
I've just been feeling depressed lately. The smallest things make my eyes water and the dumbest things set me off. I almost cried twice today, both for stupid reasons. All of these feelings have just started recently and, oh, what a coincidence, so did my prescription of birth control. I need to start meditating or something...

4 - Lack of Money
Blink-182 concert ticket: $30, AVON order $24, Reno Road trip: ~$60 + pocket money for food. Me: broke. I see problems. Also, trying to become less dependent on parents and pay for gas myself. Pretty difficult when I am jobless and have a gas sucker for a car.

5 - BUG BITE
dude. Bug bites are THEE worst, cannot stop itching and it's like, on the inside of my thigh. HORRIBLE place.

I noticed that my descriptions of my problems grew smaller. I think that's good.

Although I think I need to find someone new to start sharing important/exciting experiences with.

 

[My ideas of detaching are still lingering in my head... ]